Note: Don't read if you can't take depression and my confessions.
I woke up in the morning feeling like this :(
It is a beautiful morning but I just don't know why, I don't have any mood for it. I've been feeling like that for quite awhile already. I am not sad but just feeling empty. Sometimes I would just go up and lock myself in my room, hug my bear and start crying for no reason. I juat can never understand why my happy days can't last long, when I feel that my sad days are over, then another sad thing will happen. The worst part is no one believes that I am going through all this just because I always look happy.
Some people ask me why don't I find someone to talk about this? Ok, peoples! I did find someone to talk to when I was going through this last time and what I was adviced to do was to 'deal with it' or to 'ignore it'. Seriously, that won't help at all, thats why I don't find anyone to talk about this anymore.
I am really sorry
Since young, I felt like I am never good enough for anything and anyone. I am not good in my studies, not that pretty, no music background, nothing. Everytime when I think about this, I just feel like crying. I did wonder before why am I even born? I learn how to bake, how to do cross stitch and all not because I am very free, it is because it makes me feel useful and I am happy when I am doing those stuff.
Whenever I see my friends going through a break up and they would cut themselves with a blade and have many scars on their hand the next day when they come to school. I always scold them for being stupid to hurt themselves for someone that is not worth it, but then I did do that before too. Those scars on my hand reminds me of those bad days and I really don't want to go back there. I realize that it is when you feel pain physically then you would only know how pain is it mentally.
I am struggling with some stuff right now.
1. Feeling guilty for complaining so much about someone.
Ya. so for the pass feel days, I've been posting some status on facebook, complaining about this and that. I was complaining about someone and I seriously sorry for doing that. I should have understand what you were going through. I am truly sorry.
2. Scared of gaining weight.
I am just not motivated to jog these days, but I really don't want to gain weight.
3. Care too much for others
yes, it seems like I care alot and I tend to over think when someone I talked to everyday just stoo talking to me. Maybe they are just busy but I would start thinking that it was something I did that makes them stoo talking to me.
4. Care too much about what others think about me
I may have told most of my friends that I don't care about what others think about me, but actually I do care about it. In fact, I care quite alot about it which is a bad thing.
5. Longing to find a true friend that I can count on in everything
I am just saying I hope to find that one friend that I can count on and share my problems with.
6. Studies!
Results are not getting better but SPM is getting closer.
I am trying to find ways to deal with all my problems. Most of the times I will hug my teddy when I'm really not in the mood. (thx teddy)
Lastly, this post is just all about my feelings.
sorry if I have offended you in any ways. I am blogging about it because I have no one to talk to about this.
-That's all-
-Thanks for dropping by-
